Well now... let me begin by saying this. It has been a pretty rough year and a half. It just has. Let me tell you something though... the sun is out. (you say- yes we know, Heather. It's October and it's 90 degrees. We know that the sun is out.) No, I mean- in our house, the sun is OUT! It is good to be a W in TN!
But you know, sometimes my brain just frustrates me. I have so many things that God has taught me over the course of this past year and a half, and holy cow I want to tell someone that needs to hear it so that it can make an eternal impact on their lives. I just can't keep it in anymore, and I figured this may be a good place to start. Cause usually if I try to talk about it, it just gets all jumbled right about the spot where my neck meets my shoulders, chokes me up, and it never quite makes it out of my mouth very clearly. So frustrating...
I've learned something about myself though- the Lord revealed it to me back in the spring. It's been one of those revelations that basically every shortcoming in my life gets blamed on ever since I discovered it about myself. :) Ready for it?
I'm pretty sure I'm one of the most insecure people that I know.
Even NOW, I mean this VERY second... I'm asking myself- is what I'm typing clever enough? Will someone read this and think "man, that chick is hilarious..." And then I come back and say "girl. Just think. clearly. don't let anything cloud your mind. type until your spirit says 'yep, that's what I was trying to say.'"
Most of the time my mind gets so thick with concerns of every little thing going on around me, or of someone's opinion of me, that for a while it just become easier not to engage with people at all. Where church is concerned, it is far easier for my mind to make a b-line for whatever room my kid is being taken care of in, pick them up, and drive home to the safety of our four walls than to stop and have an intelligent conversation with someone.
Surely there's a label for this, wouldn't you think? :)
Couple this problem with being the wife of one of the pastors of a 2000+ member church, (who isn't afraid to talk to anyone at all) and let me tell you something else. Living a life of never feeling like you know how to act or being so afraid of what someone will say about you is ex-HAUS-ting. And absolutely fruitless.
And I really wanna be finished with it...
It's actually very empowering to realize and own the fact that I am a child of God, and that I can be completely fulfilled and secure in this relationship if I will just let myself believe it. Believe that at my fingertips are limitless resources of power from the Spirit of the living God.
For the place in life that I'm in right now... I think about it this way. Let's say my realtor just called- they wanna show the house in an hour. The kitchen is a wreck because I'm in the middle of making dinner, my bedroom has no sheets on the bed, three baskets of clean laundry to fold, and two more piles in the living room waiting their turn in the washer, and my daughter is up to her beloved ears in dress-up clothes and toy dishes amidst every book, block, crayon, and puzzle piece that she has strewn around her bedroom floor. My 5 1/2 month old is screaming because of those horrible bottom teeth that just won't break through.
But sure- I'll have my house clean and perfectly staged for you to walk through it in five minutes and then decide you don't wanna buy it. Bring 'em on... :P
All of the sudden- my sweet husband walks through the door to my rescue. "Hey babe, got the call about the showing. Thought you might need some help getting everything together."
You mean- I don't have to take care of this myself? I don't have to handle this load? You're gonna lead us through this crazy moment and save the day?
Yep... my heart stops pounding. My head stops swirling. Four-letter words stop trying to make their way across my lips. And my mind can rest. Because I know that I don't have to do something my mind tells me is impossible, or if I attempt it, won't be good enough anyway. Because while I'm good at cleaning up the filth of a home- my man is waaaay better and faster at dealing with the clutter. He's gonna handle it for me.
I. am. secure. The task is taken care of.
I am the same child of God as every hero and heroine of my faith. The same power that drives their ministries is readily available to me as well. And let me tell you- that power doesn't come from me. It comes from the One who lives deep within me.
Can somebody breathe a breath of fresh air with me?
Folks- insecurity doesn't just make you look weak and unsure of yourself. It breeds sin. and hurt. and turmoil. and just plain devastation.
But that's a blogpost for another day... and beyond that- it's time for Sonic and church. :)
5 comments:
SO needed to hear that from someone else!! Thanks! And have you read Beth Moore's "So Long Insecurity" yet? I'm just getting into it and wow! GOOD STUFF! I think you'd love it.
I love you, Heather! Truthfully, I wouldn't have guessed that you struggle with insecurity- but, I think that's true of most of us in one way or another! INSECURE WOMEN UNITE!! I think you're one of the funniest, wisest, most talented young women I know. You do have a lot on your plate- especially at this season in your life- but, in reality, this is the season of life that makes the best memories- enjoy it! Being vulnerable is so difficult, but you'll find that it opens the door to deeper relationships- we're all alike at the core. You are special- God has a wonderful plan for your life- I can't wait to see what He has in store for you!!
Heather,
Maybe we should talk more. Then you would be able to say that I am the most insecure person that you know, and you'd totally feel better about yourself. :) I can completely relate to all of what you said, except the part of being the wife of a minister, of course, and I'm pretty tired of living my life like this too. From the outside looking in, I would have never known that you feel insecure. You appear to be a strong, confident wife, mommy, and daughter of the King. I so enjoy loving on that sweet boy of yours on Sunday mornings.
Carol- no I haven't read it yet, but I want to!
Beth and Kari- thank you! Oddly enough, if you are 40 or older, I probably don't have any issues with you- ha! I'm learning that I only struggle with it around ladies my own age. (Reagan says it's because at heart I'm really already an old woman... lol. I'm sure women in their 40's would love to know Reagan called them an old woman. LOL) But the more God reveals to me about it, the less of a struggle it is becoming, and that is SO exciting to experience God do a work of change in your life!
(and Kari- thanks for taking such good care of all of our babies! It's a job, I'm sure!)
We all have some insecurities. Some insecurities that I thought I was past started leaking out again this year:) Good news...I'll be forty next July and you can hang out with me. lol I have the Beth Moore book in my office if you want to borrow it.
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